My HSG last Wednesday seemed to snap my sadness. Something about having my cervix pried open shocked my tears away. Since January, every doctor's appointment has brought a flood of tears. Every pregnant lady I've seen has stabbed at my heart. Yet after the HSG and results from my ultrasound, I feel peaceful.
I am relieved that my tubes are clear and my uterus appears hospitable. I'd worried that the surgery I had in college to remove an ovarian cyst had left my tubes scarred (or that the doctor had accidentally severed them). I'd feared that I was riddled with fibroids, like most of the women in my family. I dreaded that tests would determine I would need a hysterectomy - my mother, my aunt and my grandmothers had the surgery. I am relieved that for now I don't need to be spayed.
I left the appointment with a sense of hope. Knowing that this is a throw away cycle helps too. No need to dread FP - I have accepted that there will be no BFP this month, and feel no anticipation.
I decided that I need to focus on other things in life, and not let TTC consume my thoughts. This month of freedom has given me that. I bought a sketch pad and some water colors on my way home from the hospital. I started running again, and even picked a 5K road race as a goal in August.
This feels better than the despair I've been carrying for months. I hope it lasts.
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